White Noise Insanity

Dear Mr. President,

Happy New Year! I've spent a lot of time ripping you apart on this blog. So it's only fair, in this season of giving, that I give you 10 legitimate and proactive tips on how to improve your station in 2007. Seriously, what do you have to lose?

1) When a reporter is asking you questions, make eye contact. Staring down at the podium like you're trying to bend a spoon mentally while the question is being asked makes you look like you're, well, trying to bend a spoon mentally. Trust me, it can't be done. In addition, I understand that you're showing your lack of regard for the press, but face it, the press was your biggest ally for many, many years. The least you can do is to look at them when they're talking to you. Besides, think of how many jokes about their clothing you're missing out on.

2) Hire Dane Cook as an advisor. Nothing will help your standing among MySpace shut-ins than opening a press conference with, "We're all gonna lie. We're all gonna cry. And we're all gonna take painful shits. I'll take your questions now."

3) I hate to break it to you, but when you do that lop-sided grimace/grin and thrust your head forward after talking about casualties, it looks like you think the casualties are hilarious and awesome. They're not. So when you feel the urge to do that, try to at least disguise your face. Cupping your hands over your mouth and eyes when you feel an "eh-eh-eh" coming on will make you look like you're broken up. Being broken up over casualties is good and people will relate to it. Word of warning: You might be fearful that cupping your hands over your mouth will suffocate you. It won't. Humans can breathe through their noses, too. Perhaps have the White House physician check the integrity of your septum just in case (you know why). If it's good to go, feel free to cup away!

4) Adopt a monkey. So the next time you're caught by the press in another lie or delusion, you can have an advisor (Dane Cook!) rush in to tell you that your monkey's going nuts and flinging poo in the Roosevelt Room. Who can argue with that escape hatch? Blurt out, "Monkey's freaking out. Gotta go!" Whenever someone tells me they have to bail because their monkey's going apeshit, I always go, "Wow. You better handle that."

5) Drop the George Washington references when discussing your legacy and how history will judge you. Switch to President Ford. He's hot right now. Use it.

# posted by KayInMaine @ 1/01/2007 09:34:00 AM